You know how they say the best way to get over someone is to get under someone else? I don’t think that’s true, in fact I think that’s the worst way to get over someone. You will just find yourself comparing every small detail. You will want him to fuck you the same way he used to fuck you. When he smiles you will think of his smile. And when he says “what” you will say “nothing” and that’s what you used to say to each other in the faint hours of dawn and you will miss him even more.
Maybe I was just drunk, but there is something about the way you looked at me that I haven’t been able to get out of my head all day. There was that usual look of feigned surprise a quick smile we shared like our secret. There was something different though, was it a longing I saw aching in your eyes? or was it a glistening desire? They seemed to twinkle compassionately, was it love? Maybe I was just drunk, but I swear there was something else there. Something I’ve never seen before but I sure wouldn’t mind seeing it again.
I want to do something stupid. Something so idiotic that in twenty years I’ll think back and wonder to myself “God, that was the dumbest thing I’ve ever done but I sure had a hell of a good time doing it.” I want to sit alone on city rooftops, admiring the noise from hundreds of feet above. I want to run away from security guards. I want to lay down on runways watching planes fly right above me. I want the excitement, I need the thrill. Sometimes I just feel like I’m merely surviving on this big green and blue planet but I want to live. Really live.
I hate when people ask me if I’m happy because I don’t want to lie and say yes but I also don’t want to say no and explain why
Maybe I’m sad because it’s late or maybe I’m sad because it’s dark. Truth is, it doesn’t matter so much why. How am I supposed to sleep tonight when all I crave is to be wrapped in your arms, safe and warm. In the morning you would still be holding me and we would open our eyes to greet the world at the same moment. You would smile and kiss me lightly on the cheek and close your eyes as if you were saying five more minutes. We could be happy. We could be together and happy. I would make us breakfast and put cream and sugar in your coffee. You would take a sip and your beautiful brown eyes would look at me longingly as if you were saying let’s go back to bed. But I can’t make you love me and I’ll go to sleep alone tonight; craving you.
“Hey, you said you like motorcycles right?” This is not real life he’s actually going to ask me to ride his motorcycle “Well would you like to ride one?” Oh my god this is not happening how do I sound excited but not crazy “YES I WOULD LOVE TO!” I think that was appropriate. I follow him outside, past the lawn and I watch him disappear into a shed. I don’t even really know this guy what if it’s a ploy to get me alone and he’s going to murder me what if this is the end for me what have I got myself into, wait nevermind, the shed is full of motorcycles and a boat I think I’m safe for now.
“This one is mine.” he points to a sleek black bike. “It’s beautiful.” I say. “Which helmet would you like” he is modeling them for me now, one has bald eagles on it and the other is black with the word gangster written across the back. I choose the gangster one. He’s telling me how I need to lean with him when he turns and to not put my feet down until he says to. I’m still fumbling with the helmet, he laughs “Here, I’ll help you.” He brushes the hair out of my face and clips it with ease. I think I’m in love. He sits down and looks at me expectantly. I sit down behind him, “Okay hold on tight” I slip my hands around his waist and hope he can’t feel me shaking. The engine revs and we lurch forward past the gravel and onto the street.
We drive slowly down the road, the breeze feels good on my skin and the moon is full and bright. We take a turn and pick up speed, faster and faster. I hold on to him a little tighter and rest my head on his back. I’m watching the countryside flash by content as can be.
I don’t even notice us stop. “This is weird.” he says. “What’s wrong?” my voice shakes with concern. “This light isn’t changing to green.” I laugh at myself for worrying about everything and tell him to just go. “That’s illegal! I don’t want to get a ticket!” I look up at the stoplight and notice the cameras but whisper again “Go, it will be an adventure.”
He presses the gas cautiously and we are moving again, picking up speed, hair flowing in the wind, laughing without a care in the world into the night
I could really go for some alcohol, and a cigarette too if you don’t mind. It’s been a long day, week, month… life whatever. I just want it to end or at least forget about it all for a while. I want to drink shot after shot and beer after beer. I want to drink so much that I can’t even stand straight let alone think straight. I want to go outside in the bitter cold in nothing but a t-shirt and see the goosebumps form on my skin but feel the warmth of the alcohol rushing through my blood. I’ll light a cigarette after some struggle and watch the smoke trail off the end. Then I would inhale and feel the poison fill up my lungs and then cooly exhale watching the smoke fill the starry night sky along with all of my troubles.